As I’ve said before, as of 10 days ago I was 15 lbs over my heaviest non-pregnant weight. I was 5 lbs over what I weighed 9 months pregnant with my son (but 13 lbs less than I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter). And I have definitely felt the aches and pains, both physically and psychologically, of being obese that I never had before.
My feet – I can tell that I am walking out the outside of my feet. I hate shoes – I hate them with a passion. But I no longer feel like I can go barefoot, like ever. I’ve resorted to wearing Crocs instead of flip-flops because they are so comfortable! Even before I put all the weight back on, I had a mild case of plantar fasciitis so I was wearing Crocs then too, but not all the time. I can’t wait to go barefoot again.
A month ago we went on a plane ride and for one of the 4 legs we had on the trip, I thought for a moment I was going to have to ask for an extender. That would have been mortifying. The other 3 legs were better, but I can’t wait to have a nice long extra piece on my buckle. And during the trip I had to take my 3 year old to the bathroom and I felt so clausterphobic in there with both him and me.
We moved into a new house over the summer and the toilet seats are tiny. The house is only 12 years old, but the previous owners who built the house were both petite and they put in these tiny little toilets with these really wide seats (which helps my potty-training 3 year old a lot!) but they make me feel just that much bigger.
When I lot 35 lbs in 2010 I of course through away all my size 18W and Size 18. I was almost in a 14, but hadn’t thrown away the 16s yet (or the 16Ws I think). I have since had to rebuy 18W and even 20W (they are pretty baggy though). I bought a few 1X shirts, though I am swimming in them, because my XLs were feeling a little snug and revealing my tummy. I can’t button any of my coats (of course I got rid of my 1X winter coat I used when pregnant) but I refuse to buy new ones.
I can’t remember the last time I took my engagement ring off. I could probably get it off with soap and water. I start having anxiety attacks if I try to take it off and I can’t, so now I just don’t try to.
But all of that is going to change. My mini-sh goal is to have lost 15 lbs from today, by 3/25/2013. Then I would be exactly where I started 3 years prior when I started my 35 lb loss. Of course I hope I am less than 216 by then, but I am horrible at setting goals and meeting them. I do much, much butter just taking it as it comes off. Goals put too much pressure on me.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
I survived my first weekend....
Weekends are definitely harder and longer when you are trying to lose weight...and it is the holidays!
Saturday night my husband wanted to go out to eat to celebrate his 6 month anniversary of quitting smoking - yeah him! He chose to go to a Japanese steakhouse. Prior to that we had the tree lighting in our town,so I knew we would be not eating until late. As a pre-event snack, I had 2 hardboiled eggs, with little mayo, mustard,pepper and scallions on a flaxseed rollup. Yummy! For dinner I didn't have anything alcoholic and I ordered chicken instead of steak. I did eat my son's soup, but that is really just sodium. I ate everybit of my food (but I ate it slowly since I was eating with chopsticks - I seriously considered eating every dinner like that!). I so badly wanted some of his rice and veggies. I wanted them really badly, but I didn't. I had had enough.
I really did have good intentions of walking outside Sunday morning. It had snowed a little on Saturday, but was supposed to be beautiful on Sunday. But we all slept a little later than we expected. My husband was going to take the kids for a few hours to do errands, and honestly, I didn't want to take an hour of those 3 hours to walk. BUT as part of my errands I did map out a 5K around my neighborhood, so maybe next weekend. I do plan on getting up this week to walk/job on the treadmill.
After a few errands, the day was spent inside puttering around, some decorating, organizing, and the such. I managed to stay away from my husband's open bag of spicy potato chips except for 1. So often yesterday I found myself about to just aimlessly put stuff in my mouth. That is why I love Weight Watchers - accountability that is a little voice that tells me no.
Dinner was a little bit more indulgent. My husband made this creamcheese stuffed jalepenos wrapped in bacon on the grill - yummy! And we had 4 chocolate turkeys left over so we all got 1, though I only ate the mini reeses cup and part of the 2 Oreos.
On to another week. I need go buy Vitatops, since I forgot them at the store, because they are important part of my afternoon snack and I don't have a good substitue yet.
I also am going to make our list of what treats (and crafts) we'll be making this holiday season, so it will help me prepare.
Saturday night my husband wanted to go out to eat to celebrate his 6 month anniversary of quitting smoking - yeah him! He chose to go to a Japanese steakhouse. Prior to that we had the tree lighting in our town,so I knew we would be not eating until late. As a pre-event snack, I had 2 hardboiled eggs, with little mayo, mustard,pepper and scallions on a flaxseed rollup. Yummy! For dinner I didn't have anything alcoholic and I ordered chicken instead of steak. I did eat my son's soup, but that is really just sodium. I ate everybit of my food (but I ate it slowly since I was eating with chopsticks - I seriously considered eating every dinner like that!). I so badly wanted some of his rice and veggies. I wanted them really badly, but I didn't. I had had enough.
I really did have good intentions of walking outside Sunday morning. It had snowed a little on Saturday, but was supposed to be beautiful on Sunday. But we all slept a little later than we expected. My husband was going to take the kids for a few hours to do errands, and honestly, I didn't want to take an hour of those 3 hours to walk. BUT as part of my errands I did map out a 5K around my neighborhood, so maybe next weekend. I do plan on getting up this week to walk/job on the treadmill.
After a few errands, the day was spent inside puttering around, some decorating, organizing, and the such. I managed to stay away from my husband's open bag of spicy potato chips except for 1. So often yesterday I found myself about to just aimlessly put stuff in my mouth. That is why I love Weight Watchers - accountability that is a little voice that tells me no.
Dinner was a little bit more indulgent. My husband made this creamcheese stuffed jalepenos wrapped in bacon on the grill - yummy! And we had 4 chocolate turkeys left over so we all got 1, though I only ate the mini reeses cup and part of the 2 Oreos.
On to another week. I need go buy Vitatops, since I forgot them at the store, because they are important part of my afternoon snack and I don't have a good substitue yet.
I also am going to make our list of what treats (and crafts) we'll be making this holiday season, so it will help me prepare.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Weigh In #1
December 1, 2012
Starting Weight (12/1/2012): 232.2
Current Weight: 232.2
Total Change: Just starting out
Height: 5'6"
Goal: 149
(The weights above are my home weights, which are usually about 1.5 lb less than at WW)
My alarm went off at the normal time of 6:30 even though it was Saturday, to go to my first meeting. I have always done meetings at work in the past so it was different to be at a center. It felt great to be up and out so early in the morning. I wore yoga capris, sports bra, tech shirt, tech warm up coat (that was removed for the weigh-in). The meeting was probably about 30-40 people - a mix of all different types. I am excited to learn about the changes to the program next week.
After I shopped at Target and didn't buy any junk, then went home for breakfast before going grocery shopping - nothing worse than going grocery shopping hungry!
It is snowing out and we are slowly decorating the house. Me and my 6 year old daughter finished up a "craft" from Thanksgiving - turkeys made out of oreos, woppers and mini reeses and to a lick from me!
And for lunch I made them macaroni and cheese - usually I give them a kid's bowl full and then eat the rest myself. I made me my normal workday lunch, and when they finished I did have one bite off the spoon. Yep, it was a small bit, but it was enough to satisfy me.
I made up a calendar of meals for the whole month of December - we do have most of our comfort foods during this time - it will be a challenge to make the meals healthier and eat less than I normally would. But it is a challenge I will take on.
I still need to make up the list of the baking/cookies that we will do this season. I don't tend to eat a lot of the cookies once they are cookies, but I am notorious at eating batter (especially rolled out gingerbread!) so I will have to be conscious of that.
Starting Weight (12/1/2012): 232.2
Current Weight: 232.2
Total Change: Just starting out
Height: 5'6"
Goal: 149
(The weights above are my home weights, which are usually about 1.5 lb less than at WW)
My alarm went off at the normal time of 6:30 even though it was Saturday, to go to my first meeting. I have always done meetings at work in the past so it was different to be at a center. It felt great to be up and out so early in the morning. I wore yoga capris, sports bra, tech shirt, tech warm up coat (that was removed for the weigh-in). The meeting was probably about 30-40 people - a mix of all different types. I am excited to learn about the changes to the program next week.
After I shopped at Target and didn't buy any junk, then went home for breakfast before going grocery shopping - nothing worse than going grocery shopping hungry!
It is snowing out and we are slowly decorating the house. Me and my 6 year old daughter finished up a "craft" from Thanksgiving - turkeys made out of oreos, woppers and mini reeses and to a lick from me!
And for lunch I made them macaroni and cheese - usually I give them a kid's bowl full and then eat the rest myself. I made me my normal workday lunch, and when they finished I did have one bite off the spoon. Yep, it was a small bit, but it was enough to satisfy me.
I made up a calendar of meals for the whole month of December - we do have most of our comfort foods during this time - it will be a challenge to make the meals healthier and eat less than I normally would. But it is a challenge I will take on.
I still need to make up the list of the baking/cookies that we will do this season. I don't tend to eat a lot of the cookies once they are cookies, but I am notorious at eating batter (especially rolled out gingerbread!) so I will have to be conscious of that.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Quietly trying to get back on track
In the 5+ months since my last post, the weight has continued to creep up to yet again another all time high of 236ish.
But also since the last post, we have moved....new schools, new routines. We also lost my mother-in-law 3 weeks ago which was very sudden (she had been battling lung cancer all year but was beating that. It was another rare type of stomach cancer that came on fast and furiously) and that really was the catalyst to get back on the wagon.
So I am going to clean up my blog, start posting religiously.
Tomorrow morning I am walking back into Weight Watchers. Saturday morning is completely alien to me, but it is 7:30 am so a great way to start the day. It won't interfere with Saturday activities. Target, BJs and ta grocery store are nearby so I can get all my weekend errands done on the way home. I hope I like the leader. I hope the meeting isn't too packed. Another incentive of Saturday mornings is it keeps me honest on Friday day and night. Friday day is my day to work from home and can be a "off plan" day - especially when I was doing WW on Thursdays (honestly, I would do WW on Thursday at noon, then not eat well until Saturday). And then I will have incentive to cook a healthy, low sodium meal on Friday night, a night we may typically eat out.
I also signed up for a 5K on New Year's Day. I know, completely insane! I haven't even attempted to run, or even walk, since February 5th. I mapped out a 5K course around the new house - it is kind of quirky because once I get off our road, I am on some really thin, windy roads so not very good for running. So I am going to just walk the course on Sunday to see how it goes. No guarantees I will actually do the 5K on the 1st (I did it last year) - but they do have really cool medals!
I kind of started the progam on Tuesday after signing up for WW online, so it isn't like I've been pigging out all week hoping for a max weigh in on Saturday. And then I will look forward to the next Saturday when we hear all about the additions to the program.
I am trying to take this kind of casually. I have found in the past that when I get superorganized before I start then I jinx myself and don't do well. But when I make small changes here and there and kind of track, I do well.
I am nervous about starting with exercise as well. Honestly, I have never lost weight while exercising because I know I overeat after working out - not because I think I deserve it or because I overestimate the Activity Points, but because I am just.so.hungry. I am going to try to drink a ton of water and not think about the hunger (easier said than done) because I am so eager to get moving again!
I need to find some good blogs to read. I've been reading all along but haven't been commenting (sorry Leigh!) because my heart hasn't been in it, or a lot of the blogs I have read in the past aren't blogging anymore (and on the rare occasion they update, it is to say they've gained - like me) - and then some of the blogs I read people have reached their goal (yeah!) - But I need to find some where people are starting the journey or near the beginning and are doing really well.
Seeing so many people gain weight back over the last 12-18 months, just like me, scares the crud out of me. I never, ever, ever thought I would be one of them, or would gain so much, so fast. But it is time. My blog was supposed to be fit by 40 and that came and went, then in my 40's. In a few months my 40s will be 1/4 over - It is time!
But also since the last post, we have moved....new schools, new routines. We also lost my mother-in-law 3 weeks ago which was very sudden (she had been battling lung cancer all year but was beating that. It was another rare type of stomach cancer that came on fast and furiously) and that really was the catalyst to get back on the wagon.
So I am going to clean up my blog, start posting religiously.
Tomorrow morning I am walking back into Weight Watchers. Saturday morning is completely alien to me, but it is 7:30 am so a great way to start the day. It won't interfere with Saturday activities. Target, BJs and ta grocery store are nearby so I can get all my weekend errands done on the way home. I hope I like the leader. I hope the meeting isn't too packed. Another incentive of Saturday mornings is it keeps me honest on Friday day and night. Friday day is my day to work from home and can be a "off plan" day - especially when I was doing WW on Thursdays (honestly, I would do WW on Thursday at noon, then not eat well until Saturday). And then I will have incentive to cook a healthy, low sodium meal on Friday night, a night we may typically eat out.
I also signed up for a 5K on New Year's Day. I know, completely insane! I haven't even attempted to run, or even walk, since February 5th. I mapped out a 5K course around the new house - it is kind of quirky because once I get off our road, I am on some really thin, windy roads so not very good for running. So I am going to just walk the course on Sunday to see how it goes. No guarantees I will actually do the 5K on the 1st (I did it last year) - but they do have really cool medals!
I kind of started the progam on Tuesday after signing up for WW online, so it isn't like I've been pigging out all week hoping for a max weigh in on Saturday. And then I will look forward to the next Saturday when we hear all about the additions to the program.
I am trying to take this kind of casually. I have found in the past that when I get superorganized before I start then I jinx myself and don't do well. But when I make small changes here and there and kind of track, I do well.
I am nervous about starting with exercise as well. Honestly, I have never lost weight while exercising because I know I overeat after working out - not because I think I deserve it or because I overestimate the Activity Points, but because I am just.so.hungry. I am going to try to drink a ton of water and not think about the hunger (easier said than done) because I am so eager to get moving again!
I need to find some good blogs to read. I've been reading all along but haven't been commenting (sorry Leigh!) because my heart hasn't been in it, or a lot of the blogs I have read in the past aren't blogging anymore (and on the rare occasion they update, it is to say they've gained - like me) - and then some of the blogs I read people have reached their goal (yeah!) - But I need to find some where people are starting the journey or near the beginning and are doing really well.
Seeing so many people gain weight back over the last 12-18 months, just like me, scares the crud out of me. I never, ever, ever thought I would be one of them, or would gain so much, so fast. But it is time. My blog was supposed to be fit by 40 and that came and went, then in my 40's. In a few months my 40s will be 1/4 over - It is time!
Friday, July 20, 2012
All time high :(
I finally got on the scale once again after a long time and was horrified with the results, though not completely surprised. For a second it said 230, though flickered down to 229.6. Even today it was 227.6. But still, I was this heavy probably at 7 months pregnant with my son. I am so mad at myself - I did all of this on my own. I've eaten horribly, really over the last 16 months, but really over the last 6 months when we decided to move. I have been a complete bundle of stress. And right now the stress is at the all time high (well, in some regards - it was more stressful before we closed on the house) as we are living in 2 houses - most of our kitchen stuff is at the new house, we are trying to eat up the pantry and fridge and freezer of the old house. We are having to eat out a lot. I don't have time to plan for eating out or anything!
The season of birthdays is upon us. It is my husband's 40th so there will be a multitude of celebrations. I don't even care about mine - mine is last so everyone is sick of ice cream and cake by the time it is mine.
I am dreaming of August 3rd though, the day the movers get to wheel my treadmill through the basement door. The day we no longer have to live in 2 houses. The day I can start living again in small spurts (the stress will continue through August as my commute will double when I have to bring the kids down to our old town for camp and daycare, but that is only for 13 school days. One day at a time.
It may only be July 20th, but I already worry about fall clothes. Honestly, that is the main reason I am forcing myself back on the scale and having to think about things. Honestly, I worry that some of the size 18W pants I have from the spring won't fit (and I just remembered, the one pair I did like I had to throw away because I stained them and I couldn't get the stain out). But I WILL be buying pants in a few sizes this fall. When I rearrange my clothes (we don't have as much closet space in the new house but I can see it all at once as it is open) I am going to be realistic and only have out what fits, but have the smaller sizes easily accessible.
I am very excited about this next chapter in our lives and getting back on the wagon. I know I should start today, but I just can't.
The season of birthdays is upon us. It is my husband's 40th so there will be a multitude of celebrations. I don't even care about mine - mine is last so everyone is sick of ice cream and cake by the time it is mine.
I am dreaming of August 3rd though, the day the movers get to wheel my treadmill through the basement door. The day we no longer have to live in 2 houses. The day I can start living again in small spurts (the stress will continue through August as my commute will double when I have to bring the kids down to our old town for camp and daycare, but that is only for 13 school days. One day at a time.
It may only be July 20th, but I already worry about fall clothes. Honestly, that is the main reason I am forcing myself back on the scale and having to think about things. Honestly, I worry that some of the size 18W pants I have from the spring won't fit (and I just remembered, the one pair I did like I had to throw away because I stained them and I couldn't get the stain out). But I WILL be buying pants in a few sizes this fall. When I rearrange my clothes (we don't have as much closet space in the new house but I can see it all at once as it is open) I am going to be realistic and only have out what fits, but have the smaller sizes easily accessible.
I am very excited about this next chapter in our lives and getting back on the wagon. I know I should start today, but I just can't.
Friday, June 29, 2012
I am alive!
It has been a long, long, long 5 months since we decided to move. And it isn't over yet. We closed on our new house on Wednesday, but we are still in flux really through the summer. We will be living in our current house until early August, then for 3 weeks after that we will be commuting from our new house to our old town to my work (and the reverse each evening), then vacation, then Labor Day. So it is going to be a long hard summer of being out of sorts, without a schedule or routine which is a killer for me.
But the good things about the new house are:
-A perfect space in the basement for my home gym
-A good loop to run a 5K
-A huge kitchen with plenty of space of have all my healthy food easily accesible
-Space in the kitchen to have my recipes easily accessible
-Lots of mirrors in the master bath so I am forced to look at my self a lot
-Plenty of stairs
So having a healthy lifestyle once again is constantly on my mind - I know it sounds somewhat of a cop-out to say I can't start until Labor Day, but I am being realistic. I have not a second of free times these days to think and plan and execute. Doesn't mean that I will allow a free-for-all for the next 2 months. But I am just so physically and mentally exhausted now that I can't commit to much.
But the good things about the new house are:
-A perfect space in the basement for my home gym
-A good loop to run a 5K
-A huge kitchen with plenty of space of have all my healthy food easily accesible
-Space in the kitchen to have my recipes easily accessible
-Lots of mirrors in the master bath so I am forced to look at my self a lot
-Plenty of stairs
So having a healthy lifestyle once again is constantly on my mind - I know it sounds somewhat of a cop-out to say I can't start until Labor Day, but I am being realistic. I have not a second of free times these days to think and plan and execute. Doesn't mean that I will allow a free-for-all for the next 2 months. But I am just so physically and mentally exhausted now that I can't commit to much.
Friday, May 25, 2012
I made myself get on the scale...
Not a pretty # - 219.0. But I did it. I haven't stepped on the scale in over a month - life at home and at work have been so stressful that the old habit of 'if I step on the scale and I don't like what I see, I am going to have a crappy day' came back. But things are getting better, plus I knew I was gaining even more weight, so I needed to see the damage.
The good news in my life is that we are buying a house. We close on June 27th. Our current house has been on the market for about 10 days. Logistically it would be nice to close on our current house after the new one, but financially it would be nice to do it the same day, but I think we've reached the point that if we don't have an offer now, that isn't going to happen.
It is going to be a long summer as all the kids daycare/camp is near our current house, not the new house. So I am going to have a double commute twice a day. Which means breakfast and dinner could be on the road a lot this summer! But I am prepared to do what I need to do to eat healthly foods myself.
The first thing I did this morning was calculate the points of my granola and as expected I was horrified! My favorite cereal was discontinued several months ago and I have not found a good replacement. This morning I bought a new cereal and will start measuring again.
I stocked up on ice cream treats for the summer and got myself some skinny cow ones.
I will continue to weigh myself each day.
I need to up my water intake again.
less sugar, less salt.
I can not commit to exercise at this point. Now that the TV season is over, I am hoping I can start getting to sleep earlier and I would like to do C25K again - it was been almost 4 months since I have run. But at some time we are going to need to start packing up the house and thus my nights may get long again.
In my dream I would lose 20 lbs by Labor Day weekend which would bring me to 199. But 20 lbs in 14 weeks is pretty agressive for me knowing that we are moving during this time and that our schedules will be completely influx. I would to at least like to get down 10 lbs.
I wiil, i will, i will post a lot.
The good news in my life is that we are buying a house. We close on June 27th. Our current house has been on the market for about 10 days. Logistically it would be nice to close on our current house after the new one, but financially it would be nice to do it the same day, but I think we've reached the point that if we don't have an offer now, that isn't going to happen.
It is going to be a long summer as all the kids daycare/camp is near our current house, not the new house. So I am going to have a double commute twice a day. Which means breakfast and dinner could be on the road a lot this summer! But I am prepared to do what I need to do to eat healthly foods myself.
The first thing I did this morning was calculate the points of my granola and as expected I was horrified! My favorite cereal was discontinued several months ago and I have not found a good replacement. This morning I bought a new cereal and will start measuring again.
I stocked up on ice cream treats for the summer and got myself some skinny cow ones.
I will continue to weigh myself each day.
I need to up my water intake again.
less sugar, less salt.
I can not commit to exercise at this point. Now that the TV season is over, I am hoping I can start getting to sleep earlier and I would like to do C25K again - it was been almost 4 months since I have run. But at some time we are going to need to start packing up the house and thus my nights may get long again.
In my dream I would lose 20 lbs by Labor Day weekend which would bring me to 199. But 20 lbs in 14 weeks is pretty agressive for me knowing that we are moving during this time and that our schedules will be completely influx. I would to at least like to get down 10 lbs.
I wiil, i will, i will post a lot.
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