Monday, May 30, 2011

Walked again...

I woke at 7 am and immediately got on the treadmill. I had to hunt through clothes in the dark (well pseudo dark) since my clothes from Saturday were still in the dryer. I walked a 5K again, shaving 2 minutes off my time (did it in 59:25) - I did 3.0 for 30 minutes, then 3.2 for 15 minutes, 3.5 for 10 minutes, 3.2 for the last 5 minutes.

On days I work out I don't weigh myself which is very, very hard. I just need to work hard to first get the scale until 195 and then move out of the 190s quickly. I really thought I would never see them again which is very hard for me. But I just need to move past it.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

2 weeks away....

Wow - it's been more than 2 weeks since I have posted here. I think about posting every single day, but life has just gotten so crazy, and then we were on vacation to Pennsylvania for 4 days.

I will admit the scale is really ugly right now - 196.4 this morning :(

But on a good note, I went downstairs this morning and walked at 3K. I took it leisurely - mainly at 3.0 mph so it took 60:37 to do it. But seeing that I haven't been exercising at all, I am cool with it. At my WW meeting (I actually made it, the first time in 6 weeks - though I didn't get on the scale) I committed myself to walking 2 5Ks this week.

After my shower I tried on all my spring clothes. We've have such a cool spring that I haven't needed my capris at all. Though I regretfully admit I've been wearing the same pair of pants 3 out of the 5 days to work since they were the only ones that comfortably fit.

Most of the clothes I tried on did fit - the size 16 pants are a little snug, but I did find a pair of black and a pair of khaki capris (both size 16) that fit so I will be prepared for the warm weather this coming week. All of my short sleeve shirts at XL - I was hoping to be in L's for this summer, but the post-baby (even though the baby is 2 years old) boobs aren't allowing for an L right now.

Speaking of boobs, part of my stress eating of late is due to my anxiety about having my first mammogram in 2 weeks. Since I turned 40 last year, I need to have one. I am terrified of what they might find. A co-worker's wife died last year at 44 of breast cancer, leaving behind 3 children under the age of 12. I can't even imagine. I was so tempted to cancel it, but I had already post-poned it from January. And since I have a physical in June and my annual exam in July, both doctor's would be quite upset if I hadn't had it by then.

Now that the TV season is over, I am hoping to start waking up early to work out. I know I shouldn't dictate my life around TV - after all, isn't that what DVRs are for? I do use a DVR, but I still stay up until 11:30 watching stuff that has been taped. I plan on going upstairs at 10:00, watching a 1/2 hour of TV and have the light out by 10:30.

I also realize that I could swim in the morning. Our townhouse complex has a pool that opened this weekend. There is nothing stopping my from going down a couple of mornings a week and swimming. Since I don't have to get the kids off to school, except maybe 1 day a week when I bring 1 to my parents, I have extra time.

We do have lots of yummy dinners planned for this Memorial Day weekend, but they are just that: dinners. Not desserts (we'll probably have dessert 1 night, but we normally would anyways), and not appetizers and chips and dips and alcohol.

So I hope to get back on track. No promises. Just hopes. Next week is our last WW meeting of this series, though I will be home for my daughter's pre-school graduation. I really doubt we'll have 15 people to keep having it at work. But I really hope to keep going to a meeting outside of work - probably Thursdays at lunch. I NEED someone to be accountable to.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Dehydration woes...

I really thought I posted yesterday. Hmm. Seemed to have gotten eaten. Honestly, I can't even remember what weigh-in was yesterday. It was pretty bad I know - My husband made something insanely salty for dinner on Wednesday night.

This morning I felt like crud. No because I was hungover (I didn't even finish my second drink) but I was severely dehydrated. I met my friend at 8 at a restaurant, we probably didn't eat until 9. Were out until 11. Didn't even finish 1 glass of water. I didn't drink any water when I got home either. And I didn't go to bed until 1:00. Ugh I was dragging this morning. I don't even want to mention the scale this morning. Awful! (I really didn't want to step on but I decided to throw all the superstitions of Friday the 13th away and just face the music)

Today I am working from home for the first time in a long, long time. The kids are at my parents, my husband is home. I was trying to eat a normal day. I pulled out all my WW stuff. I cleaned up the work out area downstairs.

I am going to try. I say that, I've said that before and failed a million times, but I need to stop just saying and start doing. The scale needs to go the other direction, badly!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Another week disappears

So much for posting every day. At it completely is reflected in the 194.8 I saw on the scale this morning. TOM and a very salty meal for dinner is partially to blame, but over all it really wasn't a good week. I have barely been able to breathe in the last week- I have zero time at work to chit chat, surf the web, or even go to the bathroom - it stinks! And then I come home, deal with the family, and work again from 8:30 - 12. I don't want to just "deal" with the family. It is my favorite time of the year (though the weather has not been great). I want to be enjoying myself! I hate being so close to panic attacks. I hate not having anytime to myself or to do the things I like, or even just sit on the couch and watch TV. Thankfully this won't last very long.

So obviously my eating has also suffered. Because I have been so busy, my snacks haven't happened which results in me wanting to eat crap for lunch, instead of the lunch I brought (I also have been going down to the cafeteria to get a second Coke, because I have been drinking my lunch one for breakfast because I am so tired). And I am starving at dinner because I haven't eaten since lunch. And I haven't been getting in my water. Overall, bad, bad, bad behaviour.

Here is to another week....

Friday, May 6, 2011

Thursdays Stress

So I already blew it on Thursday.

I came to work all ready in my WW dress, excited for the meeting. 20 minutes before the meeting I was sent 2 meeting invites that would last from 11-12:30. So not only did I have to miss the meeting, I didn't get to eat anything until after 1:00. I am neurotic and I don't eat food before my meeting - I have 20 oz of water at 8 am and then usually eat my breakfast during the WW meeting.

At 1 pm my boss needed to catch up with me and I was starving and she wanted to go to the cafeteria. They were celebrating Cinqo de Maio so I had 2 tacos, blacks beans and rice. Too much food. I did make sure I got a snack in before I hit the grocery store after work. And dinner was Subway subs and ice cream for dessert (on a cone so actually not too much ice cream)

Today hasn't been any better. I chose not to bring my food today because they were catering breakfast and I had lunch plans with a friend. My body is screaming to me today - my stomach is just rumbling with gas - painful and embarrassing.

But I will pick myself up and keep trucking.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Weekly Weigh In

Last Week: 194.0
This Week: 190.8
Total Loss (216 starting weight):  -25.2

I am okay with this - I will be much happier when I am back in the 180s.

My challenges this coming week is Mother's Day. My husband and my kids are going to make me breakfast. And when asked what I wanted for dinner I decided upon Mexican so we will be celebrating Cinqo de Maio 3 days late. But I won't let know those challenges are ahead derail my work from now until then, nor will I let the rest of the week after Sunday get away from me.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Pasta needs to be measured

Having my husband measure the pasta really helped. Depending on the day I tell people 'This is all ice cream', 'This is all cheese', meaning me being overweight. Oh, excuse me, "obese". But ultimately, it is all about pasta. Until 2 years ago when we started doing family dinners, I probably ate pasta for dinner 5 nights a week, and probably 6-7 oz all for me. I am by far an overeater versus a junk food eater. Though I was a junk food eater as a child because we had zero junk food in our house so I would get it whenever I could.

Had I not had my husband measure the pasta, he would have probably cooked 12-16 oz and we would have finished it. I would have had 2-3 helpings, potentially nibbling the last bits out of the colander as I cleaned up.

8 oz was a perfect amount for the 4 of us, with enough left over for my daughter's lunch. I won't say I wished there was more. But I am glad there was not. Sitting here now I feel a twinge of hunger but I am not going to do anything about it.  Not eating after dinner has been something I have usually been pretty good at.

I did have thoughts of other food today. I checked my blackberry in my car before going into work. Several emails outlined another crazy day. My first instinct was to get a breakfast sandwich and yogurt parfait on my way into work. But I refrained - the major thing keeping me away from the cafeteria was the thought of weigh-in tomorrow. I felt tempted again at lunch time when I wasn't able to have my 11:30 am lunch and didn't get lunch until 1 pm -  Most of the co-workers I am working in the same room with had come in with their lunches from the cafeteria and it all looked so good! I had left myself get too hungry. But thankfully I was again able to stave off my temptations.

Here is to another good day tomorrow.

Thinking about skipping soon

I won't go as far as saying the spring is back in my step, but I am so close. Even after 2 days of realitive good eating, I just feel lighter. I feel like smiling. I am more confident. And I plan on keeping it up, darnit!

I just emailed my husband, who now is on dinner duty, that he really needs to measure the pasta (Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti night....though we don't eat Prince - we eat the blended pasta - I couldn't get my family on board with 100% whole wheat). Who knows how much he has been cooking - but what he cooks, we eat. Not good. So I told him to make 8 oz for the whole family (and that includes leftovers for my daughter's lunch tomorrow).

I will go to Weight Watchers tomorrow -unless I miraculously lose 1 pound overnight, I will show a gain (from 3 weeks ago) tomorrow. But that is okay. As long as I go.

It is almost time to re-new our WW at Work - I am up 3+ pounds since the beginning of the session. Need to lose those 3 lbs or even the 6 lbs I've gained!!! I am not sure if I will re-new though. $180 is a lot of money in our lives right now. We will see. I know that I am important and doing this is important, but joining this session has done nothing to prevent me from gaining - I just don't go to the meetings. I wish someone would MAKE me go, no matter what.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Need to keep blogging

I am not really a blogger - I wish I could be, but I just do not have time. Between working 8-9 hours in the office and an hour commute each way and kids to take care of, I just don't have the time. I used to have time during the work day to do it, but work is so incredibly crazy right now that I barely have time to pee. I do have time to eat right though....except when they bring in lunch for us - it is usually pizza.

But I realize I need to take at least 5 minutes out of my day to jot down here how I am feeling. Gotta do it. Because the scale keeps going up and up. After a salty dinner Sunday night the scale said 195.0 on Monday morning. I am having thoughts of needing to go buy new pants for the summer (up a size). And WW renews in a month and I am not sure if I have the $180 to renew. Not good thoughts. Not a good place to be.

The scale was back down to 192.8 this morning but I've got to get these 3 pounds off. Now! I need to see the scale say 189.8 again.

I definitely have been very down about the recent weight gain. I was okay when I was under 190 - I could deal with 3-4 lbs. But I've been over 190 pretty consistently since my son's birthday - St Patty's Day. So over 1 1/2 months. Needs to change!

Sleep, or lack thereof, is not helping either. Even when I don't have work to do at night I am not sleeping well because of work stress and financial stress. And we all know how sleep can negatively affect your weight. And I am having borderline panic attacks.

But I am ready to make a change - I want to. I need to. I have a physical on June 21 and if I don't get this stress under control my blood pressure is going to be high, something I never, ever have had an issue with.

So I am going to write every day because jotting down a weight in an Excel spreadsheet that only I see isn't helping.

So I will start with yesterday. Broken record, but dinner. Dinner is my worst enemy. I've said it before, I like the food I eat throughout the day - I don't feel deprived. But dinner is so yummy and in the last 3+ months I've been eating way too much of it.

And then today I put on the same pants I wore yesterday because they are really the only pants that feel comfortable. They are a 16W - the rest of my pants are 16 and feel a little snug. So I wear these khakis 2 days a week, then a snug pair of black pants on Wednesdays and my WW dress on Thursdays. Not very exciting. I have a ton of size 16 capris for the summer but I am too scared to try them on. But I will need them come Memorial Day - 4 weeks from today. So I've got to get moving!

Breathe. I just need to tell myself to breathe.