Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The pains of being obese

As I’ve said before, as of 10 days ago I was 15 lbs over my heaviest non-pregnant weight. I was 5 lbs over what I weighed 9 months pregnant with my son (but 13 lbs less than I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter). And I have definitely felt the aches and pains, both physically and psychologically, of being obese that I never had before.

My feet – I can tell that I am walking out the outside of my feet. I hate shoes – I hate them with a passion. But I no longer feel like I can go barefoot, like ever. I’ve resorted to wearing Crocs instead of flip-flops because they are so comfortable! Even before I put all the weight back on, I had a mild case of plantar fasciitis so I was wearing Crocs then too, but not all the time. I can’t wait to go barefoot again.

A month ago we went on a plane ride and for one of the 4 legs we had on the trip, I thought for a moment I was going to have to ask for an extender. That would have been mortifying. The other 3 legs were better, but I can’t wait to have a nice long extra piece on my buckle. And during the trip I had to take my 3 year old to the bathroom and I felt so clausterphobic in there with both him and me.

We moved into a new house over the summer and the toilet seats are tiny. The house is only 12 years old, but the previous owners who built the house were both petite and they put in these tiny little toilets with these really wide seats (which helps my potty-training 3 year old a lot!) but they make me feel just that much bigger.

When I lot 35 lbs in 2010 I of course through away all my size 18W and Size 18. I was almost in a 14, but hadn’t thrown away the 16s yet (or the 16Ws I think). I have since had to rebuy 18W and even 20W (they are pretty baggy though). I bought a few 1X shirts, though I am swimming in them, because my XLs were feeling a little snug and revealing my tummy. I can’t button any of my coats (of course I got rid of my 1X winter coat I used when pregnant) but I refuse to buy new ones.

I can’t remember the last time I took my engagement ring off. I could probably get it off with soap and water. I start having anxiety attacks if I try to take it off and I can’t, so now I just don’t try to.

But all of that is going to change. My mini-sh goal is to have lost 15 lbs from today, by 3/25/2013. Then I would be exactly where I started 3 years prior when I started my 35 lb loss. Of course I hope I am less than 216 by then, but I am horrible at setting goals and meeting them. I do much, much butter just taking it as it comes off. Goals put too much pressure on me.

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